my prayer for 2010

"Whatever joy there is in this world
All comes from desiring others to be happy,
And whatever suffering there is in this world,
All comes from desiring myself to be happy. "
-Shantideva

Photo by Victor Nuno, Birth

Let me face this new year with love and compassion,
ever mindful of my thoughts, words, and deeds;
on guard against greed, anger, and ignorance.
Let me look back in remembrance of the people,
places, and opportunities of the past year
that have helped me become a better person.
Let me rejoice in gratitude for the coming of the new year
with all its blessings and challenges.
I open myself to its abundance,
welcoming change and the many chances
whereby I may continue to be of help to others
in any aspect that I am able.
Let me have the strength to continue my practice,
with the grace of those around me,
offering its fruits to the well-being and happiness of every being.

striving for stillness

Photo by Victor Nuno

Ever since i started practicing zen, i've been more aware of my self. My emotions, my body, my thoughts. I notice that when i don't get to sit for the day i easily feel anxious. But even if i just spend at least 5 minutes meditating anytime during the day, everything flows.

Take today. This is my second day of unexpected freedom, so to speak, from work. I adjusted my schedule which meant that I didn't have to go to work 'till sometime in the afternoon. The unexpected free time has made me anxious and I realise that the constant pressure and tension from work is still hounding me even though I know that I'm not actually required to work.

Sounds slightly perverse, but I realise that the stress has become too much a part of my daily life that it's absence also causes stress. My mind is still preoccupied with work even though physically I'm away from it.

This is where zen helps me. It has taught me to be "present" whenever, where ever I am at any given moment. If I'm working, then I'm just working. If I'm having fun, then I'm just having fun. If I'm upset, or anxious, or hungry then I'm just upset, or anxious, or hungry.

We've always believed that multi-tasking is the way to deal with the many aspect of our personal and professional life. While we're talking on the phone, we're also scrolling over that spreadsheet we need to analyze. While we're listening to our co-workers, we're also signing papers and checks left and right. While we're out eating and laughing with our friends, we worry about missing an appointment for the next day.

Our concerns get jumbled up in our mind which makes us not attend to what we are currently doing. Worse still, we think that this is the only way to do things. And then we wonder why at the end of the day we feel so worked up and can't sleep, why we wake up in the morning with an insistent sense of urgency we cannot define.

Last Monday, during the Sangha's regular Zazenkai, I made a realization: "In the stillness of your mind, wander no more." It just popped into my mind while sitting there meditating, trying to keep my mind on my breath and my practice. I acknowledged the thought and then I let it go.

But here I am, almost a week later still pondering it. I realized that indeed it is only with a still mind that we can calmly and with full preparedness face anything. It doesn't mean that we stop thinking, or that we are physically still. But rather, being attuned to the present moment, aware of our self and what we are doing. It's like standing at the center of a spinning top, motionless and moving at the same time.

I don't know if that makes sense exactly, but that's how i know it to be.

For those of you interested here's a link for local zen practice.

gyoza, anyone?

i finally made gyoza last night. i'd been dreaming about cooking it even before i saw a how-to video on youtube.

preparing the vegetables and crimping the dumplings was so much fun. but i was a little disappointed with my finished product. although i obtained the yummy looking brown crisp on the bottoms, the gyozas were melded together and were difficult to unstuck from the pan. i must have placed them too close and cooked too many at one go... 21 pieces at once!

but, presentation aside, i think it was a success. it all disappeared in snap and my mom asked me how much it would cost if she'd sell it per piece. (haha)

but i think its a little too early for that. i reviewed the video and found out i missed one tasty ingredient, the ginger. of course, i substituted other ingredients and eye-balled the measurements. still, have about 15 pieces left over which i put in the freezer for later. next time, it'll definitely look like these guys:

when i get it perfectly, i'll post my recipe and a picture here.

:D

obsessions

i've been obsessing over something lately. a simple curiosity about a specific person that has been fueled by circumstance and opportunity, and slowly cemented by undesirable negative emotions.

i'm not proud of it. it's out of character for me. yet, i find no small amount of guilty pleasure when i indulge in it.

but, the more i find myself dipping into that sordid well of unhealthy curiosity, the more i realise that it's going to lead into something dangerous, for my mental well being and mayhap for my relationships.

writing about it brings a measure of relief. perhaps, the fact that no one knows about it is one of the reason why i have held on to it for quite a time. no one knows so it can't do any harm, right? well, i'm finding out otherwise. the more i keep doing it in secret, the worse i feel everytime.

so this is one small step for me. i am taking myself in hand. next step will be telling someone about it. hopefully, i'll get over this... soon.

don't drive while laughing

last night LD taught me how to drive a motorbike. it was fun for me and hair-raising for him. i enjoyed the breeze while he sweated buckets. i developed new-found respect for all drivers and solidified my resolve to avoid driving while under the influence.

i learned that driving requires you're full attention. and you have to process all those extraneous information like speed, visibility, traffic, pedestrian movement, etc. while maintaining a firm yet steady grip on the throttle and keeping the darned thing on a straight path.

i kept squeezing the throttle which made us sped up. each time i did that LD would shout, "slow down! slow down! stop squeezing!" which made me let go completely and made us stop. i got nervous as the decibels rose which made me laugh which made him add, "stop laughing!", to his on going litany.

but the most important thing i learned was that fear can and will cloud your senses if you let it. when i looked down that street we were practicing on, i felt my heartbeat rise and my breathing turn shallow. LD's voice sounded teeny and i couldn't understand what i was doing on that street straddling something heavier than I and possibly facing broken bones and scratches if I fell.

but i took a deep breath and resolved to let go of the fear. suddenly, my chest loosened up, my way became clear, and LD's voice receeded. i knew, i just knew, what i should do. and i did it...! i stopped listening to his anxious tone and just focused on what he had taught me.

however, the return trip wasn't such a success. I listened and got confused by LD's instructions and argued with him too much. half-way thru the second pass, he was done. he finally put a stop to his suffering and we went home. he was breathing hard and was sweaty, too.

it was exhilirating but i wonder if he'll continue to teach me. (lol)

i'll just do some research in the mean time. i found this cool site for added info.