striving for stillness

Photo by Victor Nuno

Ever since i started practicing zen, i've been more aware of my self. My emotions, my body, my thoughts. I notice that when i don't get to sit for the day i easily feel anxious. But even if i just spend at least 5 minutes meditating anytime during the day, everything flows.

Take today. This is my second day of unexpected freedom, so to speak, from work. I adjusted my schedule which meant that I didn't have to go to work 'till sometime in the afternoon. The unexpected free time has made me anxious and I realise that the constant pressure and tension from work is still hounding me even though I know that I'm not actually required to work.

Sounds slightly perverse, but I realise that the stress has become too much a part of my daily life that it's absence also causes stress. My mind is still preoccupied with work even though physically I'm away from it.

This is where zen helps me. It has taught me to be "present" whenever, where ever I am at any given moment. If I'm working, then I'm just working. If I'm having fun, then I'm just having fun. If I'm upset, or anxious, or hungry then I'm just upset, or anxious, or hungry.

We've always believed that multi-tasking is the way to deal with the many aspect of our personal and professional life. While we're talking on the phone, we're also scrolling over that spreadsheet we need to analyze. While we're listening to our co-workers, we're also signing papers and checks left and right. While we're out eating and laughing with our friends, we worry about missing an appointment for the next day.

Our concerns get jumbled up in our mind which makes us not attend to what we are currently doing. Worse still, we think that this is the only way to do things. And then we wonder why at the end of the day we feel so worked up and can't sleep, why we wake up in the morning with an insistent sense of urgency we cannot define.

Last Monday, during the Sangha's regular Zazenkai, I made a realization: "In the stillness of your mind, wander no more." It just popped into my mind while sitting there meditating, trying to keep my mind on my breath and my practice. I acknowledged the thought and then I let it go.

But here I am, almost a week later still pondering it. I realized that indeed it is only with a still mind that we can calmly and with full preparedness face anything. It doesn't mean that we stop thinking, or that we are physically still. But rather, being attuned to the present moment, aware of our self and what we are doing. It's like standing at the center of a spinning top, motionless and moving at the same time.

I don't know if that makes sense exactly, but that's how i know it to be.

For those of you interested here's a link for local zen practice.