i am so ENGAGED...

not with anybody in particular, but with life in general...

life is good and i'm loving it... yeah! rock on!! hahahaha


*******

for the sake of posterity, i'm gonna relay here the events of the past week which will forthwith be known as "Brownies and Valentines Week"...

Day 1: Sunday
- Lunch with Library Dood (LD)... had to rise to the challenging message about eye contact and missing you/missing me connotations... :P
- Dinner with the girls at Afrique's. Menu: triple mushroom pizza, ozzo buco with tomato sauce, meatball pasta... great catching up with the girls and office gossip (nahaha). set date for next saturday night out.

Day 2: Monday
- Lunch with Tygger-kun... unexpected visit... Menu: sisig and boneless bangus... hmmmnnn not bad... will definitely try the sisig again... :D

Day 3: Tuesday
- Dinner with BFF... after waiting almost an hour! held on to patience thinking that she needed a little slack considering her dilemma... Buto't Balat menu: sisig meal, pork barbeque, and salted egg salad... only the salted egg passed... yikes!

Day 4: Wednesday
- got stuck with checking time logs... annoying payroll preparation...
- made first batch of brownies... packed some for the BBF and BFF...

Day 5: Thursday
- Brownie points success!
- Waited over an hour for BFF... really irritating how she keeps me waiting. helped carry the groceries though... that appeased me, somewhat.
- pizza experiment at home with the BFF and BBF... nacho pizza!!!
- Baked second batch of brownies... for bragging purposes... bwahahahah

Day 6: Friday
- raincheck on BBF movie date... waiting for a good romantic movie...
- Family dinner... repeat of pizza experiment: bacon and tomatos, tuna and mushroom melt... yummy... nacho pizza is now officially on the specialty list... lol

Day 7: Saturday (Valentines Day)
- walk about at SM city (can't remember when i last went) and met LD while waiting for the girls...
- Tijuana! menu: tijuana special pizza, chips, fries, cheesesticks, Latino Fire... who say's a group date doesn't count as a celebration of Valentines???!!
- official singles group now known as: Tropang Latino Fire (care of DD)... hahahaha open for membership, next meeting M's b-day on Mar 6... lol

Day 8: Sunday
- full circle... took day off to make brownies for LD...
- met highschool peeps at Rob and inadverdently got invited to LD's house... wahahahaha life is funny!



needless to say... i had a blast and hit my target of topping last years Valentine's social calendar... wooohooo!!



*******


here's a little something from brother utoy's blog, a quote from Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ:



"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is,
than falling in Love in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in Love
and it will decide everything."


:D

love song for no one

how do you know you're in love?

i've once contemplated this question while at the height (yes mataas po) of a relationship... the answer, well the most noteworthy change i noticed, was that i paid more attention to love songs..

i love music. i like all kinds of songs. usually certain songs would trigger memories and sometimes even illicit physical reactions... a grimace of pain, a fluttery feeling in your tummy, a sudden jerk in the solar plexus, a goofy smile on your face... i know, cheesy but true nonetheless... these reactions become more pronounced when i'm in what i would label as the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. so much so that some songs would render me immobile and truth be known stupified (reminds you of a song?)...

anyhow, ever since i arrived in this barren wasteland that is ironically deemed a love life, i've started to review the songs that once melted me into a love-hazed stuppor... just so i get to feel that "loving feeling" again... ahahahaha

try and guess the title of these songs...


"Cause sometimes it seems/Like this world’s closing in on me,/And there’s no way of breaking free/And then I see you reach out for me" ---> brrrr... this one gave me goosebumps just hearing the intro... i'd stop and stare at nothing for a good long while after it ended, too... looking back: EEEEWWWW! (yeah it didn't end so well this one)


"When the rain is pouring down /And my heart is hurting /You will always be around /This I know for certain " ---> recommended and is officially a theme song for someone... although the video is seductive i think this song can apply to a close friend, a really close friend... lol

"There was a time, that I just thought/That I would lose my mind/You came along and then the sun did shine/We started on our way/I do recall that every moment spent/Was wasted time then I chose to lay it on the line" ---> this is the reason why i call "sunshine" one of the best guys i've been lucky enough to be given a chance to love...

"So you stole my world/Now I'm just a phony/Remembering the girl/Leaves me down and lonely" ---> he said it reminded him of me... i was not impressed, at all...! unfortunately i can't erase the association...

"Im going crazy, Im losing sleep./Im in too far, Im in way too deep over you./You'll always be the one./You were the first, youll be the last." ---> should have realised when i found this on his playlist that it wasn't a good omen... hahahah they say this is the best break-up song of its genre...??!

"I, get a little tongue twisted/Every time I talk to you/When I see you/And Im so glad that you just missed it/The way I stared to memorize your face/To kiss you in my mind/Love you all the time" ---> untarnished... this is a favorite... probably because no bad memory is attached to it...

"And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,/And I get to kiss you baby just because I can./Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,/And you know that's what our love can do." ---> the second line on this stanza never fails to give me a fluttery feeling in the stomache... i always watch out for this line... sigh...

"if i ask of you, is it alright?/if i ask you to hold me tight/through a cold dark night," --->classic! i'm still waiting for someone i can play this song to... missed playing the guitar too...

"Ikaw na ang may sabi, na ako'y mahal mo rin/At sinabi mong ang pag-ibig mo'y di magbabago/Ngunit bakit sa tuwing ako'y lumalapit ika'y lumalayo?/Puso'y laging nasasaktan pag may kasama kang iba" ---> makes me want to shout all the swear words i know... and then cry in despair... huhuhuhuh

"I remember the days we spent together/Were not enough/And it used to feel like dreamin'/Except we always woke up/Never thought not having you/Here now would hurt so much" ---> every word so true... my solace in his absence...

"Ako'y nangangarap na ika'y makasama/Taglay ang pangakong iingatan kita/Ang ganda mong nahubog sa piling ng masa/Hinding-hindi kukupas, di malalanta" ---> pol... guitar... tambayan... chess... and all those who serve the people...

"Searching all my days just to find you/I'm not sure who I'm looking for/I'll know it/When I see you" ---> well i am kinda tired of waiting... "so hurry up and get here"... no wonder i love this song...


*******

all right, i'll make it easier for you... mulitiple choice instead of fill in the blank... lols

here are the artists and titles.. match it up...


john mayer: love song for no one
musikang bayan: rosas ng digma
gloria estefan: i see your smile
vertical horizon: best i ever had
first circle: ako'y sa'yo at ika'y akin lamang
fm static: tonight
america: all my life
kris lawrence: when i see your smile
paul maccrane: is it okay if i call you mine
michael buble: everything
alicia keys: no one
cheap trick: the flame

second chances

have you ever been in a rebound relationship?

i think i have... and i think its not much different than a non-rebound one... not if you fall in love for real.

it starts off innocuously enough. you find someone that eases the pain of your recent break-up, or gives you excitement in an otherwise stale romance. you tell secrets that you wouldn't dream of sharing with your other friends. you honestly and truthfully confide your fantasies, failures, pain, and grandest hopes. you tell each other its nice to have someone who doesn't make demands, who doesn't judge... who only gives. and then, you find that you spend more and more time together, share ever more intimate moments... until one day, the lines are blurred between just being friends and, somehow, being lovers.


*******

couple days ago i watched My Sassy Girl. it's a nice romantic comedy with a very interesting question: is it right to manipulate other people just to make you feel better? and what happens when the other person believes the make-believe scenarios and thinks its real? what happens when you both fall in love with each other, thinking all the while that what you had was real? when the lines are blurred by love, is it alright to go on pretending?

the movie had a happy ending... and somehow, for all its romanticism, i hope, i pray, that someday i'd find that same ending... no matter how it may have started.

i just wish that somehow, honesty and truth will find its way to love.


*******

i had my chance at being consoled and affirmed... now i want to find someone i can offer that same unconditional regard... to give healing and comfort when things somehow seems too complicated...

someone i can tell: "it matters to me. i want to know your past so i may heal what may need healing and share the pain of those i can't."


******

life is simple. it need not be complicated.

how i wish i can have that some day...

[silent spaces]

"i miss you."

"who?"

"you."

[...]

"you're cruel."

[...]

"you make me wish for things i can't have, torture me with hope. and yet, at every other turn, tell me that i mean nothing to you..."



*******


"it's not possible."

"why?"

[...]

"i don't know."

[...]

"it's simple, really. it's easy enough to indulge in dreams when your reality is there to comfort you."



*******

[...]

"prudence and self preservation is moot when you've already jumped off the cliff."

[...]



*******

"are you sure?"

"no, but i know its worth it."

[...]

"will you wait for me?"

[...]

"i don't know what will happen tomorrow, how long this can last. what i do know is that you make the dark things fall away."


*******


"things happen for a reason."

"but i don't believe in fate."

[...]

"then believe in me."

[...]

"maybe... yes! why not... i have nothing to lose that i'm not prepared to give up anyway."


*******


[...]

"would you be willing to risk losing your soulmate in order to find the love of your life?"

[...]

tiger tygger tiger

my christmas can best be described by this cartoon:

i've been selfish and self-pitying, admittedly. and i neglected to thank my friends for being there for me. i expected to be hugged and comforted but i never quiet grasped the idea that i could have been someone else's "hobbes" as well...

and so its time to let go of my tygger...

but the universe must be hearing my wishes 'cause look what i got last night, the last night of the year:

i was asked to judge the neighborhood "macho-gay" search and they gave me this token. it was fun, seeing all those guys walking on-stage half-naked and making everybody laugh with their antics... the rain could not dampen their enthusiasm i tell you.


this mug gives me hope for the new year. it's a reminder that sometimes, life gives us a most interesting answer to our wishes.


i do believe i'm going to have an interesting year after all.


with new-found friends and old buddies on my side. opportunities popping up everywhere. yes, a most interesting year...


(~_^)

Strength and Courage

Lao Tzu said, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

I ask,"I have courage enough, can you give me strength?"




*******


Some love require sacrifice,
Some love offer pain,
But some love bestows hope.

Some love give inspiration,
Some love grant strength,
But some love rends, tears, and divides.

Some love heals,
Some love confer protection,
But some love need autonomy.

Some love grants peace,
Some love grasps release,
But some love offer freedom.

Some love pursue finery,
Some love rely on beauty,
But some love unveils the truth.



*******



We made a promise. I'm sticking to it. To the letter if not the spirit.

I'm not one to ask twice. I apologize if this may sound selfish.

But you were the one who gave your answer first.





Photo by Victor Nuño

Anti-Social Tendencies

Last night, I went home to find that there wasn't dinner on the table.

Iloy: Di mo nakuha ang text ni Eron? Di kami nagluto.

Ako: Ano?! Eh ano kakainin ko?!

Iloy: Kala ko nakuha mo ang text?!

Ako: Aaaarrggghh!!! Obviously wala!

[walk-out]

I went out and texted everyone I could think of who would accompany me for dinner and may be spend the night with. I was so angry, I didn't want to go back home at all!

Turns out, all my friends where unavailable or totally unresponsive... ggrrrrr!!


NOTE TO SELF: Get a boyfriend... ASAP!



*******

But not just any male. I do have some standard to uphold. I've been waiting too long to just settle for any guy, thank you very much.


Boyfriend Checklist:

1. Someone who can commit with me wholeheartedly. I'm not gonna make you complete or you me. 'Cause, honey, we already are.

2. Accepts me for who I am. Read: someone who won't mind if I turn into my maldita alter ego...!

3. Makes demands of me without breaking my spirit. I want to be challenged but not dictated to.

4. Can make me laugh, and can talk sense. Preferably loves music and books, or at the very least has an opinion on it.

5. Respects and is kind to women, children, and animals. Patience is a virtue best displayed in these attributes and in the face of crying babies and toddlers throwing tantrums.

6. Must have a hobby (or interest) of some sort. I find that people with no hobbies can be boring. They have a tendency to take things for granted - no passion for anything...

7. Knows how to ride public transport and can handle getting lost in a new environment. Really, dude, i need a man with a good sense of survival.

8. Is able to disclose and be honest about anything... but also knows how to shut up at the appropriate time.



Disclaimer: This list can and may change at the whims and needs of yours truly.

Tinatamad ka rin ba?

Di ko alam kung bakit nkakaranas na naman ako nang katamaran at kawalan ng gana sa mga bagay bagay. Ito narin ang rason at bakit hindi na ako nakaka-post ng bago dito sa blog ko. Meron naman akong mga ideas at articles na na prepara, pero... ewan!

Kung sa salita pa ni Slackaholic, "Just tired of it all... sometimes."

At ang definition ng ALL ng itanong ko: "all. you know, everything. hehe. plain ol' every thing."



*sigh* haaay....



*******



But it got me thinking. What if depression na to?!! (praning mode)

So, naghalungkat ako sa mga notes ko at may nakita akong questionnaire tungkol sa pag-alam ng psychiatric disturbances specifically: depression and/or anxiety. Nakita ko ang General Health Questionnaire (GHQ 12) at sinagot ko ito para maalam kung kelangan na nga ba akong magpakunsulta sa propesyunal.


Etoh sya:




At ito ang sagot ko:

1. C 2. B 3. C 4. B 5. C 6. B

7. C 8. B 9. C 10. B 11. A 12. B


Eto ang scoring: A-B = 0, C-D = 1


Kapag nakakuha ka ng score na 7 pataas ibig sabihin ay "high probability" na meron kang psychological disturbance at pwede nang i-refer sa propesyunal...!


Hmmmn... Buti naman at 5 lang ang score ko ngayon. Kelangan lang siguro nang kunting counseling (read: barkada intervention. bwahahaha). Pero mas mataas ito kasi ng una ko itong sinagot mga tatlong buwan na ang nakalipas, zero (0) ang score ko.


*******


At para sa isang tao na bumibigay ng lunas sa mga emosyunal at psychotic na kababalaghan sa buhay ko, may gusto akong sabihin sa'yo:

"I hate that i miss you. It's one of the few things i don't like about you. But something's gotta balance out this unhealthy reliance i have on your soothing words of wisdom and, dare i say it, loving tolerance of my personal weakness. For all the truth we share, sometimes it's better that we keep some secrets to ourself as well, and a little distance to maintain some perspective. Otherwise, we'd end up in a dangerous place..."

Salamat.

(~_^)

hindi ako malambing

Malungkot na katotohanan. Meron ng nakapuna at marami ng nagtanong, pero kahit ano man kasakit kelangan kung tanggapani. Hindi ako malambing.

Pero hindi ibig sabihin na hindi ako marunong maglambing. Hindi rin ito nangangahulugan na hindi ko gusto maglambing o lambingin. Sino ba naman ang ayaw sa halik at yakap? Ako man ay gusto magbigay at makatanggap nito. Ngunit bihira lang talaga ang taong nakakalapit sa damdamin ko at bibilangin lang ang mga taong lumilingon sa likod ng kaswal kong pagtawa at malditahing irap.

Sa mga malapit sa akin, sa pagkain ko dinadala ang aking apresasyun at pag-alaga. Gusto ko silang ipagluto ng espesyal kung mga resipe. Cookies, brownies, muffins, pasta, salads, breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Sa ganitong paraan ko ginugugol ang paglalambing na sa pisikal na paraan ay minsan nahihirapan akong ipaabot.

Sa mga matalik kung kaibigan, maasahan naman nila akong makikinig sa kanilang mga problema’t suliranin. Alam nilang kahit ano pa man ang kanilang gawin, sabihin, o isipin hindi ko sila huhusgahan. Bagkus bibigyan nang paguunawa at kakaramput na payo.

Subalit, dahil nga amin ko namang hindi ako malambing, hindi rin ako natatakot na pagsabihan sila nang totoo, ano man kahirap sa pandinig nila, na mali o katangahan ang kanilang ginagawa, o kahangalan ang kanilang sinasabi. Hindi ko sila sasalbahin sa angal nang kanilang konsensya dahil ako pa ang mangungunang gigising dito.

Oo nga at hindi ako malambing. Pero may panahon na nangangapa ako sa dilim, sa karimlan ng madaling araw, naghahanap nang taong mayapos at yayakap din sa akin nang buong higpit. Isang nilalang na pwede kong sandalan sa oras nang pangangailangan, na kayang mag-alay nang kanyang lakas sa mga oras na hirap na ako sa pagiging matatag.

Hindi ako malambing dahil sa hindi ko gusto maging malambing. Hindi ako malambing dahil hinda pa dumating ang taong kayang tanggapin ang katibayan ko bilang isang babae. Isang lalaking hindi maghahangad na maging masunurin ako sa lahat ng kanyang gusto ditapwat rirespetuhin ang kahalagahan nang aking pagkatao.

Kung meron mang matapang na nilikha na kayang tanggapin kung ano ako… halika, at buong buhay kitang lalambingin.